Monday, November 14, 2016

The Vow of Silence

It seems that I have been reduced to silence as the only peaceful thing left to me.  My grandparents used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. For 50 years, I have had to integrate my sexuality in a world that plain and simple doesn't get or refuses to understand what that is like.

On top of that my body has turned against me and now my mind is following suit.  I was very vocal in my opposition to the Republican shame and the disaster of Trump who is not ever going to be my president.  I fear that this means that I have lost my country just like I lost my Church. I was forced to give the Church up because it was resistant to change and my country is following the same narrow path into the grave.

Personally, what this means is that I am now a traitor and/or treasonous.  Not to the America I believe we are called to be, but to the America we are. Some of my friends are of the opinion that we will overcome, and I do believe that Love Trumps Hate, nevertheless, this does little to comfort me in the present moment where I find myself an apostate and a traitor.

Spiritually, I belong to the Community of All Angels, where somewhere beyond this valley of tears, there is peace and serenity.  I have been a monk since I was 10 on the interior. Although I was forced to be a Benedictine in Exile, because the Benedictines aren't very good about their understanding of sexuality either..."watch his psycho-sexual development" is the warning they gave the Jesuits regarding my novitiate application.  The Church protects pedofiles but doesn't have room for gay monks who are celibate or room for people with AIDS even when the communities are so large that it isn't any hardship on them.  It is an unbelievable error in logic and rationality.

Silence allows for many things...and outside of the sound of my keyboard, SILENCE may turn out to be my most sincere application of the deep monastic impulse I have always felt...a call home to be One with my Creator God, in the realm beyond good and evil.  For this "intrinsically evil and morally disordered" person, I think I have said enough.

O God, come to my assistance. O Lord, make haste to help me! In Jesus' name, I pray.  Amen.

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